Expectations others have towards me are in reality the expectations I have established for myself.
Over the years I’ve been noticing the great influence social conditioning has had over me in this lifetime. At the beginning of my journey of spiritual development, I was completely oblivious that I was conditioned even or the actual meaning of social conditioning. The questions: How? To what extent? Which are the implications and consequences? The latter I surely felt. The struggles, the addictions, the need to escape from reality either physically, mentally, emotionally, and the list goes on quite some miles.
My inner space became my refuge (as well as music), but I realize now that what I thought was my inner space, was not rooted within my wholesome being, so I can’t recall if I was actually in my inner space. I was not present in my body. How could I have accessed my inner space with no awareness of me doing so? I feel I was mostly in-between imagination, fantasy, daydream and who knows where else.
Why was I not fully present in my body? Why the constant and urgent need to be out of the body, out of reality, dwelling mostly in the past or in the future? Well, the answer is pretty obvious now. I just couldn’t cope with being in the present moment, in an integrated body, in the silence of mind and heart; because I had none.
One of the many reasons why it was unbearable to be in the present moment, was the unimaginable noise of my inner dialogue in my superficial mind. The staggering amount of expectations I had for myself, added to this. I didn’t do it on a conscious level. It was the deafening belief systems, world views and programming.
It’s completely natural to feel trapped in a life that seems to reduce itself to only a comply to a set of rules. That I have to follow the guidelines of a societal structure imposed by another. That I must fulfill the desires, needs, and wishes from the tribe I’m part of. That is social conditioning. That means to adopt specific world views. That means to accept belief systems that have been passed on for so many years unto me.
While I was so damn busy fulfilling all duties, responsibilities and the like (because they say it’s part of life itself), how on earth was I going to be able to have the time and space to delve deep into my being to analyze all this? There were no opportunities to do so, nor had I the energy to shift my perception to change the way I felt. That’s why all those unresolved feelings were buried deep down and were accumulated until my body just couldn’t contain them anymore.
Nevertheless, I have always acknowledged the fact that there are steps to take to be able to climb up the mountain. Each step is very important to reach the peak and I value every moment of the journey. I see all my past as an incubation chamber for new awareness to be birthed at every single moment.
As I was saying, all these implicit and not so implicit expectations on how I should eat, breath, walk, move, think, feel, study, behave, worship, talk, etc. made absolutely no sense to me since the very beginning. But to reject all was not an option, nor an easy task for an infant. So I just dealt with it, obeyed as much as I could and if I failed, I tended to put the bar even higher as to not let the tribe down even further. It’s no wonder that after years of behaving completely non-authentically, the facade starts to shatter.
There are layers and layers of programming that I am slowly unveiling. It’s not something pleasant to look at, believe me. The self-destruction is devastating and of course, it makes me sad every time I can visualize those matrices, those limitations. But this inner work is something I decided for myself.
Something I value tremendously, as well as living authentically while engaging with the material world. To dissolve blockages in the DNA sound chambers is definitely not for the fainthearted. One surely needs a great amount of courage to even scratch the surface. I am doing this and will continue to do so with a glad heart. Shining my brightest is to truly be a free being. Freedom comes from the coherence of thoughts, feelings and actions, the transparency of our innocent self. Being authentic every time anew is the best service I can contribute to the Infinite, to the All.