Expectations others have of me, the expectations I have set for myself. All fall into one category that I want to call “the ties that bind”. I have noticed over the years the great amount of social conditioning I’ve been exposed to. At the time I was completely oblivious that such a thing was happening to me. I only felt the struggle, the addictions, the escaping of reality either physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.
My inner space became my refuge, but I realize now that it was not my inner space, but a shallow one imagined. I was not present in my body, how could I be able to use the energy my body is able to retain to be able to access my inner space? I was in between imagination, fantasy and who knows what else.
But why was I not present? Why the constant and urgent need to be out of the body, out of reality, dwelling mostly in the past or in the future? Well, the answer is pretty obvious now. I just couldn’t cope with being in the present, in my body and in the silence of the mind and heart.
One of the many reasons it was unbearable to be in the present moment was the unimagined quantity of expectations I had for myself, due to the fact that there were implicit ones the tribe had of me. It’s completely natural to feel trapped in a life that seems to be only a set of rules. That I have to follow the guidelines of a societal structure imposed by another. That I must fulfill the desires, needs, and wishes from the tribe I’m part of. That is social conditioning. That means to adopt specific world views. That means to accept belief systems that have been passed on for so many years unto me.
While I was so damn busy fulfilling all duties, responsibilities and the like (because they say it’s part of life itself), how on earth was I gonna be able to have the time and space to delve deep into my being to analyze all this? There were no opportunities to do so, nor had I the energy to shift my perception to change the way I felt. That’s why all those unresolved feelings were buried deep down.
Nevertheless, I have always acknowledged the fact that there are steps to take to be able to climb up the mountain. Each step is very important to reach the peak and I value every moment of the journey. I see all my past as an incubation chamber for new awareness to give birth every single moment.
As I was saying, all these implicit and not so implicit expectations on how I should eat, breath, walk, move, think, feel, study, behave, worship, talk, etc. made absolutely no sense to me since the beginning. But to reject it was not an option, so I just dealt with it, obeyed as much as I could and if I failed, I tended to put the bar even higher as to not let the tribe down even further. It’s no wonder that after years of behaving completely non-authentically, the facade started to shatter.
There are layers and layers of programming that I am slowly unveiling. It’s not something pleasant to look at, believe me. The self-destruction is devastating and of course, it makes me sad every time I can visualize those matrices, those limitations. But this inner work is something I decided for myself. Something I value tremendously, as well as living authentically and engaging in the material world. DNA de-programming is definitely not for the faint-hearted, one surely needs a great amount of courage to even scratch the surface, but I am doing it with a glad heart, contributing this way to the all.