I was thinking how I used to perceive the long road before and ahead of me; my past and my future. If I think about it in linear time, it could be somewhat scary. The thought of never “resting in peace”. But I know that this based-fear way of thinking isn’t really my highest truth.
What I mean by this is that at the beginning of my journey in this lifetime, I thought about life having a beginning and having an end. I saw people being born and then dying from old age, from disease or by accident. Everyone around me carried this undeniable truth as an unavoidable reality, as set of beliefs. I know that in the depths of my being, I couldn’t accept something like that and I resisted the idea of something as real as consciousness, having a start and endpoint.
It’s only natural to feel discouraged to do something in life if you knew for sure you are going to lose it all. That’s what I thought at least. If I add up the “religious” factor, the disappointment, guilt and shame rise to a dangerously high level. Who wants to truly live in the present moment if one is being shamed just for existing, for breathing, for being alive? It’s something I couldn’t even phantom to be possible, but the layers upon layers of non-stop indoctrination for eons of time is pretty damn tough to dissolve. Oh, how the coping mechanisms arise, like a raging fire to contract one’s awareness as much as possible to escape the pain of living in such low vibration/frequency.
The road to wholesomeness is a lonely one and not for the faint-hearted, although I don’t feel lonely at all. Since realizing everything and everyone around me are either a reflection or an expression of aspects of my greater self, life as an eternal moment has become more enjoyable. It’s very tough to change one’s perception and I sometimes feel like if I’m being squeezed and passed through a straw after my mind has expanded beyond my current paradigm, when I come across something I haven’t internalized before. Mind-bending, mind-blowing to say the least. That’s how I get to change my emotions towards something, by changing my perception. That allows me to change my attitude towards something, and therefore, my emotions change as well.
Slowing life down is one of the practices I had to get used to. To be able to just do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for a period of time. I call it “Silent Retreats”. Yes, not even music, not even yoga, not even meditations with mantras, nothing. Not following a “morning routine”, not reading a book…. nothing. So what do I do then? Well, I am. I exist. In silence is the only time I encounter myself as I access my inner space. I observe life, I observe death, I observe ascension… all are just the linear stages of change. Little by little I get to know them. I expand and feel all as myself. In timelessness, spacelessness, formlessness. Life becomes an eternal moment stretched infinitely. I am free, I am wholesome.